you're one click away

From being way too close to someone these days.  I bet you're wondering what I'm talking about. Well it's simple really.

In the past four days I've have nothing but solitude, beer, and Burger King to take the place of doing the normal, frantic things I'm used to. It may seem like I did nothing but I can honestly say that with the upcoming season I'm happy to have had some downtime. But moving on...

Remember the boy from the last story? The one that took me some courage to get the nerve to talk to, and eventually did because I knew I would hate myself the next day if I didn't? Well I went out to a bar this weekend with a my roommate's ex-girlfriend and who do I see but him.

Now we had been texting on and off beforehand through the weeks. Not anything big, I just wanted to know when and if I could ever take him outside of his school environment and maybe do something else than hang out at the bar we frequent. Alas, no luck. Whatever right? I may be single but I don't reek of the desperateness other guys have around here.

Back to the main story. I've had a few beers and jello shots in me and for some reason he's pretty wasted so we started dancing. Which is groovy. But when we're talking he's telling about some other guy in the distance who apparently added him on Facebook that wanted to hook up with him. Out of all conversations I could ever have with someone I'm interested in, these are the ones I hate the most. Nothing reveals who you really are like talking about how people want you.

Needless to say I made a joke about how he "attracts black guys" (the other guy was black too), thinking I could change the subject. Didn't happen. So I went back to the bar and proceeded to buy myself another beer, and I come back to find him dancing. With said black guy.

Now I know to some of you dancing with someone really shouldn't mean anything, but in this modern world everything is about body language.

And their bodies were saying way too much for anyone to miss it. By this time I had pretty much gotten fed up with things and after our goodbyes we parted ways. We drunk texted each other afterwards, but I said nothing more than I require food and my Labyrinth DVD. When in doubt, Bowie it out!

The next morning he texts me again and asks if I knew the name of some random guy. I said I didn't and asked him who it was. Apparently it was another guy who had found him on Facebook that he had hooked up with last night. I never responded after that.

What I'm basically trying to say is that with the information age we're in the rules have changed. You could know a person without ever saying more than a word to them. You're one click away from knowing a person's whole life, and frankly I don't want him knowing mine. If he requests me I'm denying that shit.

"be confident"

Two very powerful words that I heard this past Sunday while out-and-about with my guys. Just hearing those words pushed me into a whole different "being" of myself. To further explain what I'm saying so it doesn't sound like I'm speaking moon language [i.e. French], allow me to give you the backstory.

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Long story short, I have a slight confidence problem. On the runway and out in the street you would never see it, but when it comes to talking to guys that I'm interested in, I freeze up. I fidget, stutter, and just all around shut down like a Dell factory (zing!). My self defense mechanism against this is that I can usually find something I don't like about a guy and just amplify it ten times until I can get past being a dork.

However, there are times when I can't do even that. Should I have to talk to the guy, I either stay quiet and let someone else do the talking or I say too much and come off as conceited. Which I'm not, I'm just convinced...
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Back to the main story. So Saturday I go out with Raff and Bryce. My biffies. Just a regular night out at W29 right? It was, until this one guy showed up. He works with Bryce sometimes and every time I see him my jaw drops. Seeing him without a shirt didn't do me any much better. He's one of those guys that dances so much that he has to take his shirt off to keep it from getting wet, but that's ok because he looks good without it. We made eye contact a few times throughout the night and every time we did I froze up. Raff and Bryce definitely took note of it, and I never really noticed it was a problem until that moment. I did have fun for the remainder of the evening, but that event in itself stuck out in my memory and still does.

I did happen to see him again yesterday, where I talked to him for the first time and, of course, came off as a bit of an ass. Whoops... There goes that one.

Jump back to Sunday night when I'm out with Raff and Shaughn (Bryce went to the W29 Witch Pageant), and I see another cute guy that I've had my eye on for a while. He's got a style to compliment my own, not to mention he's got a septum piercing that I haven't seen any other guy down rock as well as he does. This time I was moreso prepared, having talked with my friends about "how to word this, how to look at him."

But it wasn't until I heard "be confident" that I thought that "maybe I should."

So I walked over, was a big doofus, and came back with one whole number. It's legit, and we've texted a few times today so that means he at least gave me a real one (I've had to give out my Google Voice number before to some guys because I didn't have the heart to say 'no').

All in all it's been something I've been reflecting on all week. Not just the incident with the two guys, but just taking a risk. Keep in mind that what I'm telling you isn't a success story, but rather my "story-in-the-making".

So be confident. You can do this <3.

what I believe in

Is the fact that beauty belongs to everyone.  That is, until your personality becomes something so overbearing that no one can stand you. Then you're ugly, without a shadow of a doubt.

Where I'm going with this is simply that we live in a world full of beautiful people. I mean, that's what you need to have power right? Beauty. This is something that I've been searching for ever since I was younger, and I'm not afraid to say that it's become one of my major goals as of late.

I want to be a fashion model.

Now if you know me, you know that I'm no Tyson Beckford.

Actually I'm more like this guy. Except you know, darker toned.

But you can understand that I'm pretty thin. Moreso than the average guy. Not that I'm not eating, just that's how jacked up my metabolism is. It's always something that I've had to deal with, but now I'm starting to think that it may work in my favor...

Models today don't look anything like they did a few years ago. Fashion changed dramatically, and so did the models. Now they're about as thin as I am and are seriously making some big bucks. With the way the economy has been I can stand to make a few extra dollars here and there.

Hey I may be skinny, but I eat like a horse. That's all I'm saying about that.

And it's not to say that I haven't done this before. In my middle school years I saw a few gigs here and there, plus I've walked a few balls too. Granted I'm much older than when I was in middle school and I'm really mellowed out since I've stopped voguing and turning every grocery aisle into a runway.

Needless to say though, this is what I've wanted for a long time. I'm doing what any red-blooded, common sense having kid would do.

I'm reaching for the stars. Just like I always do. And with a photo shoot coming up next week I can't help but be a bit excited....

boy meets boy, fag on fag

So I'm gay.

Not like funny haha, but the actual kind of man-on-man, kissing you all over kinda deal.  Hey it's what I like.

In my recent endeavors of this career I'm finding that most guys don't meet face-to-face like alot of the other straight folk. Most of us either do it through some Internet dating site or, god forbid, Craigslist. Being raised on Bollywood romance movies where "things always work out" it's hard to envision this world where Mr. Suave is actually some greasy, old truck driver from down the lane.  I guess the question I'm asking here is, does anyone fall in love the traditional way anymore?

This brings me to my most recent encounter.

So this guy (whose name I will not reveal simply because that ain't right) hits me up on MySpace. Within three minutes of talking to him, he's clearly head-over-heels in love with me. Which I can dig. Sometimes love strikes really hard. Only problem was, I wasn't falling for him. But needless to say, maybe there was something in him that would spark something in me. You know, something exciting.

This was not the case.

A few days ago I went out to a bar with a few of my friends. No work the next day, a few bucks lying in my account; why not have a good time? As I'm getting ready to head out the door my phone explodes into a plethora of text messages. Guess he had nothing better to do. He simply asks "what are you doing" to which I reply "going to a bar for the evening. Then he exclaims "omfg you're drunk".

In my head I'm thinking there's no way that he could possibly have said that. Did he not read my message? I reply "I haven't even gotten to the bar and I haven't drank all night."  I get nothing back but "goodnight then."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you say something that's a bit out of place you're supposed to apologize right? I didn't get that, and I'm not one to be "out of place" with.

Later through the night, as I'm steady drinking away my anger, I get another text from him that says "do you think we could even last in a long distance relationship?" At this point, I said the first thing that came to my mind.

"No."

After this I received nothing but hate mail, hate MySpace mail, violent bulletins and texts that clearly defined that I was NOT in any kind of love with this guy. If there is such a thing as "un-love", that was me that night. This just reaffirms my belief that people aren't falling in love the way they used to anymore. No kiss like Clark Gable, no delivery of the favorite flower, no breakfast in bed.

Just the toss and tumble of the sheets and unwanted aftermath of the morning after. But I can't say I'm not envious of those that do have someone to call their own. They're safe from all this. No having to worry about the biological clock or having to sleep alone.

At least Neil Patrick Harris doesn't have to worry. I mean, look at that guy!

Dear 9/11

First and foremost, before I begin this entry, I just wanted to say that I have no idea what the eff is wrong with this USB wireless card sometimes. It works some days, other days it does a "no call, no show" kinda thing.  But today before I went to work I just wanted to type out a letter to address what happened not-so-long-ago.

Dear 9/11,

 A few years ago you changed this country. Hell, you changed the world. You made people cry, angry, and suffer all around. A war started because of you. A war some people are still obsessed with, one that even prevents people from falling asleep sometimes. You made heroes out of men, and turned ordinary politicians into pure demons. And you still haven't stopped. I just wanted to let you know that we're all doing a bit better now. There's a new president now who's giving his all to focus on the homeland issues that needed to be handled. We're all a bit more wary now. We pray more too.

In the end, I just wanted to let you know that taking away a few people that I loved was completely uncalled for. But thank you for opening alot of people's eyes.

hello world

That's right you guys. Started a blog. Let's get this rollin' eh?

So for starters, a lot of you all that will be reading this know me. Some of you don't. That's cool either way. I'm hoping that with this you all will get to know me a bit better. Because it never hurts to know someone. Just as long as you don't stalk them

To tell you the truth I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Some blogs have a purpose, some don't. I thought about for a while [and for a while I mean 3 minutes; I ain't losing sleep over this ish!] and I decided that I'll just write whatever I feel like on this.

Yep. Pointless. But it's cool. I've got plans for this. Music videos, social life, dating failures. The whole works.

So I wanted to start you off with this. This is the song this blog is named after. No, it's not Lady GaGa, Britney, or Beyonce even.

This is the Silversun Pickups - "Checkered Floor"